JOY FROM LITTLE THINGS


So good to wake up at daylight! I hate having to turn the lights on when it's still dark. Can never close my eyes fast enough. Long live spring!

Light as it may be, my yawning mouth is so wide open that I hardly see anything as I stumble toward the window. Or maybe I'm exaggerating. Resting my elbows heavily on the windowsill, I smile at the sight of the seagulls floating gracefully above the house opposite.

But what in heaven's name is that on the sidewalk across the street? A cat, then a young woman, after her a cat, another young woman, and the third cat. Walking behind each other as if going somewhere and not wanting anyone to know they're together. Either that, or the cats are escorting their prisoners to the nearest supermarket.

It's a bizarre sight, I'm telling you. Truly a cat parade. Or... no. A cat parade.

After another delightful yawn, everything on the street looks normal again. The cats are trotting away in three different directions, having left the sidewalk to the women. Too late to grab my camera. Now no one will believe me when I tell them what I just saw.

I know. I don't have to photograph everything. Just enjoy the mood of the present moment.

I realize what was actually strange about the scene I just witnessed – it's very rare to see cats on the streets these days. It was several years ago that the city government decided to have all the stray dogs and cats captured and brought into one of the pet sanctuaries. They're stunningly efficient. The city is truly empty of cats, as well as stray dogs. Too bad they aren't doing anything about those damned pigeons.

I let out another long yawn. Maybe I ought to go back to sleep. Or just have a catnap?

Wow. This one was hysterical, don't you agree? Well, I don't mind. I still think it was. Makes me want to exclaim: "Ha! I kill me!" Who was it that said that? A sitcom character, many years ago, what was his name? Loved cats too... or not. I can't remember. And I should stop thinking all that nonsense.

Last night was a tiring one. Sitting with Kenny and Eddie and talking about the good old times. As a matter of fact, I disagreed with them. The present is so much better. Even though I long a little for the time when the p-word actually meant a cat, there's no denying so many things are getting so much better so fast it's unbelievable. That's why I left the talking mostly to my buddies. As well as the drinking.

All of a sudden, I break into tears. I don't want to die!

Can't see a way out either. Indecision is killing me. Sorry, a very lame pun. I meant to say I'm so tired of making a brave face after all that's happened, replying to all those how-are-yous day in, day out.

You may be wondering what my problem is. It's not like I'm ill or chased by the mafia. It's all in my head, you could say, and you'd be right. My own mind is my hell.

I can't forgive myself for what I've done. All the people I've hurt. It's tearing my heart out. Told myself a million times it's in the past and I can't undo it. It's not helping. All those things I could have done differently – I can't get them out of my head. I'm cursed with remembering everything. How can a man live with such memories?

The cat parade was hilarious, though. I guess I won't end my life yet. I can just as well do it tomorrow, can't I? Besides, when there are cats running around, there's still hope. A lousy excuse, I know. Just as lousy as the couple hundred previous ones. How long will I continue this miserable existence, a pathetic coward who doesn't even have the guts to go out with dignity? Whatever. I'd better take a shower and then grab something to eat. There's a world out there with happiness to be found.



(C) Olavi Jaggo
First published: 2021-10-12
This version: 2023-10-07

The first version of this story won the 3rd place out of 7 in the monthly Literary Maneuvers competition.




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